Back in January, a girlfriend and I read former Miss USA Kristen Dalton Wolfe's The Husband List: 12 Non-Negotiables and were inspired to draft lists of our own. Looking back at it now, not much has changed. Before I share with you what made my list, I want to first talk about modern dating and share my own experience. A guy I had previously dated, fallen for and truly thought could have been The One despite "bad timing" told me he was in a relationship with another girl. This was after telling me for more than a year that he wasn't ready for a relationship with me due mostly to focusing on his career but also because I moved away and he wasn't into long-distance relationships. But still he called and texted me and we went on several dates over the course of almost two years. He also said he could see himself with me in the future. I believed it. So you can understand my confusion and anger upon hearing this news.
It was during that same conversation--which was actually more of an argument during which I said some things not worth repeating--that he said: "I know what type of relationship your looking for and I'm not ready nor am I looking for that right now...Your looking for a husband, I'm not looking for a wife." I immediately rejected that notion for no reason other than that's what I've been conditioned to do. A girl seeking to date for the sole purpose of marriage is a turn-off for most guys today. So we women are conditioned to be "chill" as not to run anyone off. But isn't the ultimate goal of dating or courting supposed to be to find a life partner? Not for many. I then wondered if he reaalllyy thought his new girlfriend didn't expect them to get serious at some point. Like, come on. Were they like "Let's be boyfriend and girlfriend for a year and then break up"? I told him he was stupid or either thought me stupid to have made that statement. I was heated, ended the conversation and vowed never to initiate a conversation with him again. I guess that was my breaking point. Every woman has a breaking point, y'all.
Society tells us we're supposed to date around, sleep around and then miraculously arrive at the one we're destined to spend the rest of our lives with once we've had all our fun. BUT...men are supposed to have more fun: date around and sleep around more than women because they're men and that's in their nature. Women are supposed to wait for their Adam to come along after he's sown his royal oats with other women. In short, we're expected to accept what's left over of a man who is to become our life partner. I refuse.
I've had months to think this over and I will publicly admit that he was right. (So if you're reading this, you were right. I realize you are not, in fact, stupid. Or The One. You just weren't that into me. And that's ok. Next time, just tell her. I hope you're happy and doing well.) A husband--a life partner--is exactly what I want someday. Do I want it right away? Obviously not. But I do want someone who sees me in his future and his present. Because you don't make it to the future without laying the foundation in the present. In God's timing, I believe it will all work out. I know he will be incredible, unforgettable and think that I am too.
What will make him so incredible and how will I know? That's the reason for this list. You know, the boyfriend/husband list I mentioned in the first line. In addition to the ones Kristen listed as her own--including God being the center of his life and holding strong conviction on the sacredness of fidelity--below are my non-negotiables. Of course, no man is going to be perfect. I am not perfect. But striving to be a better you each and every day you live is the best way to live. Here are my additions:
- He makes me laugh but can be serious when need be.
- He has ambition, vision and a dream that I can help him build on.
- He shows kindness to all and has a heart for service.
- He is sociable and likes to try new things.
- He knows when to give in to my persuasion and when to tell me no.
- He loves children and dogs.
- He inspires me to be a better person day by day.
- He is open-minded and pursues lifelong learning.
- He is a walking ministry.
- He gets me.
I have made my list and checked it twice. Here's to finding out who's naughty or nice! That's what dreams are made of.