|If you look closely, you can see me. I'm a dancing, grinning worshipper.|
I'm afraid I may have sugar-coated my single year just a tad. I was reading over the blog post and it just seemed too…pretty. Too clean. It was a transformative year, no doubt; but if you remember my initial post about it, I did kinda enter it kicking and screaming. God said, “Be single.” And I was like, “Come on, bro. Why? Ain't nobody got time for that.” But I did have time. A year, in fact.
I didn't stop thinking about dating or marriage completely. I doubt there was a day I didn't think about both. I just became more intentional about shifting my perspective and priorities. I focused more on my purpose and ways I could serve others. What am I called to? What can I be doing right now to serve God? How can I serve others? What can I be doing right now to become a wife? Because he who finds a wife finds a good thing (Proverbs 18:22). That means I already gotta be a wife when he finds me, hello. But I digress.
In many ways, it was easier than I thought. Here I was thinking I was about to start getting ALL this bait that I'd have to politely turn down, because, you know, Jesus and all. But nothing went down in my DMs. Yes! DMs can be so creepy. It wasn't this year of perfect holiness either, though. Several times I was distracted and thought, “Oh, maybe God has changed His mind.” (He hadn't.) At one point, I ran into a guy I once dated and he suggested we grab chicken wings from this bomb spot we had been to before. And that was literally all it took to hook me. But the conviction was so strong after a few hours with him that I physically couldn't be there any longer. I knew he wasn't for me and that I was out of God’s perfect will, but hey, the flesh wants what the flesh wants. Mine wanted to hang out with him and eat those wings. (My mouth is watering as I write. For the wings, for the record.) I find myself still repenting for that day even though it was months ago. I entertained another guy I shouldn't have. And then I went on what I called a non-date (it was a date) with a guy I met on a dating app. Like Delesia, what? You make no sense. What are you doing with your life?
So it (clearly) wasn't a perfect year. I had some mess ups. They may seem small and insignificant to many, but they were huge to me. I really did beat myself up about it. That's why I want to encourage anyone who may have messed up in any area of life to not wallow in your shame and guilt. If you truly repent, you are forgiven, just as I am. You are set free. No one--not even you--should hold your past mistakes over your head. A new day means new mercies (Lamentations 3:22-23). Walk in them.
Growing up, my biggest fear was that I'd never get married, believe it or not. (Not, you know, my untimely death or heights or spiders or anything, but never getting married. Too many Disney movies, I tell ya.) I don't have that fear anymore per se, but my longing for marriage has only grown through the years. They say you know you're getting old when your friends are getting married and having babies on purpose. Well, mine are.
This year of intentional singleness shined a light on dark places for me, stemming from my insecurities as a child. I don't think I've ever truly been insecure, but like everyone else, I definitely have insecurities. (There's a difference.) Am I pretty enough? Fun enough? Holy enough? Am I too skinny? Too flabby? Too goofy? Do I ask too many questions? (Likely.) And all kinds of other foolish thoughts of self-doubt.
Many a night I found myself face down on my floor or sprawled across my bed crying out to God. I'll be the first to tell you that trusting Him is hard. Believing that His plan is always, always, better than mine means dying to self. It requires sacrificing what I want for what He wants for me. The trouble is: I think I know everything, as if it were I who created the universe from mere nothingness.
Whenever I'm feeling discouraged, I'm reminded that this is only a season. I don't know for certain if the marriage season will come, but I know that this single season in life is deleesh.