What I Want My Daughters to Know

Photo by Kesha Lambert Photography via @triciasmithbrown

All this talk about Beyoncé and empowering women has got me thinking about future generations. If you didn't know, I'm crazy about kids. For as long as I can remember, I've wanted seven--it's my favorite number, after all. I'm much older and wiser than I was when I first decided that, but somehow that number hasn't changed through the years. I think of my children often: how I want to raise them, what I want to teach them, what instruments they'll take up, sports they'll play...essentially who I want them to become. So I made this list to remind me of all the things I want them to know when they're no longer figments of my imagination but actual humans walking the earth.

Nubian Skin Matters

(Photo courtesy of Nubian Skin)

As a pageant contestant for more than ten years, I am no stranger to the term "nude." The only issue is: nude has never really known my name. From underwear to shoes to mesh on a gown, there has never really been a nude that appeared nude on me. All I can come up with is designers often create the color with a much more fair skin tone in mind than mine, perhaps because of their largest demographic is white women. That I am not, so when I heard of brand that had designed nude underwear specifically for women of color, I was over the moon.

Miss Virginia USA 2016: The Warm Up

They say being 1st runner up is so tough. Having been in this spot twice--once six years ago at the National American Miss national pageant and now at Miss Virginia USA--I must say if this is what "tough" feels like, life should be more of it. Honestly, I feel like I won! (Minus the crown and Mercedes and all.) A week and a half has come and gone and I'm still in awe. From my hair to my wardrobe, I took big risks and made bold moves this year. I can't say I did it without fears or reservations, but the outpouring of love and support from friends and pageant fans alike has been incredible. One mother reached out to say her daughter had found beauty in her own complexion and hair texture because of me. You know I lost it right then and there. Looking back, I'm certain that this year wasn't even about me, but about bringing diverse beauty to a culture that has defined beauty so narrowly for years and years.

I was the last contestant called into the Top 5--I guess you could say I was pretty excited.

So let me take a moment to note that the reason I am so humbled by this experience is...

Are You Willing to Bench on Varsity?

I have been wrestling with two very different philosophies on life and growth recently. One was presented to me while reading The Truth About Marissa Mayer: An Unauthorized Biography. According to this piece, whenever she is asked why she joined Google after getting her master's in symbolic systems at Stanford, Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer tells her "Laura Beckman story" about the daughter of her middle school piano teacher. I'll let Marissa tell it in her own words:

Life After

I wanted so badly to become Miss America. I spent five years competing at the local and state level because I have always felt my life is about making a difference in the lives of others. I wanted the Miss America platform to help me do it nationwide. Without a doubt, I know I would have made a great Miss America, but I didn't win a state title. Now, after "aging out," I never will. One of my deepest but unuttered fears was that this day would come and I would have to say that to myself. Here it is. And I'm ok. I am still alive and able to do great work in this world. I never needed a crown for that and I still don't.

So let me say this: it takes guts to compete for Miss Virginia and Miss New York. The process of self-awareness, growth and vulnerability that you endure as a contestant is quite unlike anything else I have ever experienced. And I loved every minute of it. It takes heart to walk into a room full of strangers waiting to fire a series of questions your way and be unequivocally you. You dodge controversial and loaded questions, sometimes with ease and grace, but sometimes you get stumped. Sometimes, you don't know the answer or can't think quickly enough on your feet. Sometimes your wit or humor doesn't come across as you planned. Sometimes even the very words that seemed to make sense in your brain roll off your tongue and even you don't know what they mean. But you remember that you are human and that's what happens to humans: we make mistakes.

But dreaming of becoming and competing for Miss America was not one. I wouldn't trade my experiences, self-growth or the lifelong friendships I made for anything in this world. I am who I am today because of the Miss America Organization, whether directly or indirectly. Only one young woman can win on a given night and whether my record in pageantry indicates it or not, I "won" more often than not. I am and will always be a winner.

My contentment has prepared me for what I call Life After. Until now, there has always been the possibility that someday I could be Miss America. There was also the possibility that someday I wouldn't. So I promised myself long ago that I would never put my life on hold or pass up incredible opportunities to win. Sure, I made sacrifices. I sacrificed my time more than anything and that's something I will never get back--the brunches, family get-togethers, Girls Nights and other events I missed. Looking back, it was worth it. And Lord willing, there will be more. My whole life is before me. I now never have to wonder What if? and that gives me more peace than you may imagine.

This fall, I will complete my master's degree at New York University. At this very moment I am taking a break from applying to full-time jobs to write this blog post. This summer has and I believe will continue to be my best yet. I have the best friends and family I could ever ask for. I have good health, a sound mind and an able body. In short, I am blessed. So here's to Life After. It's what dreams are made of.

Peace