A Single Year Part 2

If you look closely, you can see me. I'm a dancing, grinning worshipper.

I'm afraid I may have sugar-coated my single year just a tad. I was reading over the blog post and it just seemed too…pretty. Too clean. It was a transformative year, no doubt; but if you remember my initial post about it, I did kinda enter it kicking and screaming. God said, “Be single.” And I was like, “Come on, bro. Why? Ain't nobody got time for that.” But I did have time. A year, in fact.

Journey to a Husband: Servanthood

Photo via @lauralacquer

Marriage isn't guaranteed for anyone. I want to start there. But if we have the desire for marriage, there is plenty we can do right now as single women to prepare for that season. As we tackle the topic Journey to a Husband, I thought it only fitting to follow honor with service. Service can be anything! But I've learned it's especially the little things.

Musings on Modesty

Taken at my first CURVEXPO with Nubian Skin in February

If you follow me on social media, then it will come as no surprise that I’ve had quite a few conversations about modesty the past couple days. Six months ago, I had a really cool opportunity to model for Nubian Skin at the New York CURVEXPO. I left feeling so inspired. (You can read about my first experience here.) A couple weeks ago, they reached out to see if I could help out again. Of course! This week, I went back and learned so much more about boobs, bras, beauty and business. The company is a startup, so I got to work directly with the founder. I picked her brain on all things concerning beauty, boobs and business. She was even so generous to let me offer another giveaway to the like...ten people who follow me. To announce this, I posted a photo of myself in lingerie on my Facebook. (You probably gotta be my Facebook friend to see that.) There’s also a back shot on Instagram that I posted just for fun. And then came the onslaught of texts and phone convos...

Journey to a Husband: Honor

Photo via @drephoto3 

It's no secret that many single women desire marriage. We daydream about our future husbands and create lists about our non-negotiables. We fill our Pinterest boards with wedding decor and ring styles and gown designs. But we still may not be ready for the kind of relationship that leads to a healthy marriage. We can get ready, though. Obviously, I'm no expert--I've never been married. In fact,  I gave up dating for a year. That year is up and while I'm still not quite dating, I felt inspired to write about the wisdom about relationships and marriage I've acquired. I'll call it Journey to a Husband. This is the first installment.

A Single Year

A lot can happen in a single year. Last summer, I attended the Legacy Conference for the first time. It changed my life in more ways than one. I stepped outside my comfort zone and traveled to the conference alone, praying and believing I would make new friends. I did! I met some incredible people from across the country that I now call family.

It was at the end of Legacy that I felt called to a year of singleness. I kissed dating goodbye. (I actually read that book--it's pretty good and brings a lot into perspective.) Today marks a year since I made that decision. I'm still on a spiritual high from my second Legacy Conference and can’t help but reflect on my growth this past year.

Fast Five

Photo via blackgirlhealth.com

I bet the woman described in Proverbs 31 was a neat freak. She likely coined the phrase "a place for everything and everything in its place." She's the type of woman that you could stop by unannounced and the smell of ocean breeze consumes you as she opens the front door. She greets you with a smile and welcomes you to join her in the kitchen where she's preparing the most delicious meal ever as light music plays. At the sight of fresh lemonade on the counter, your mouth waters. You figure There's no way she can be this perfect, so you ask to use the restroom and secretly snoop--only to find that to your horror, there isn't a speck of dust on even the tallest shelf.

The Devil is in the Waiting

Waiting is hard. Whether it's for a ride at the amusement park, your next paycheck or a friend running late for dinner, waiting requires a certain level of patience. I always thought I had it. Apparently, I don't.

What I Want My Daughters to Know

Photo by Kesha Lambert Photography via @triciasmithbrown

All this talk about Beyoncé and empowering women has got me thinking about future generations. If you didn't know, I'm crazy about kids. For as long as I can remember, I've wanted seven--it's my favorite number, after all. I'm much older and wiser than I was when I first decided that, but somehow that number hasn't changed through the years. I think of my children often: how I want to raise them, what I want to teach them, what instruments they'll take up, sports they'll play...essentially who I want them to become. So I made this list to remind me of all the things I want them to know when they're no longer figments of my imagination but actual humans walking the earth.

Nubian Skin Matters

(Photo courtesy of Nubian Skin)

As a pageant contestant for more than ten years, I am no stranger to the term "nude." The only issue is: nude has never really known my name. From underwear to shoes to mesh on a gown, there has never really been a nude that appeared nude on me. All I can come up with is designers often create the color with a much more fair skin tone in mind than mine, perhaps because of their largest demographic is white women. That I am not, so when I heard of brand that had designed nude underwear specifically for women of color, I was over the moon.

Girl Talk: Big Red

NO BOYS ALLOWED. It's time for girl talk. No, seriously, you boys and men wouldn't even understand. But if you want to stick around, by all means, suit yourself.

I'll start by saying this: women's health is important. And I care about all things concerning women. I love women. So when my post advocating for women getting their annual checkups at the gynecologist was met with mixed reviews, it became more evident than ever that we women are fearful of talking openly about what's affecting our bodies.

The Single Life: Why I'm Not Dating

Hi, my name is Delesia and I’m addicted to men. 

*Hiiiii, Dele--wait, say what, girl?*

I know, I know. I probably don’t seem like I have an addiction, because it's often so easy to cover them up. I'm able to hide it so well because it’s mostly internal and during my talks with God. But it’s real. On the inside, I’m a mess. 

The Husband List: An Update

Photo via Legacy Event Planning

I first wrote this post about a year ago. A girlfriend and I had read former Miss USA Kristen Dalton Wolfe's The Husband List: 12 Non-Negotiables and were inspired to draft lists of our own. Since that time, I have experienced more spiritual and personal growth than I could have ever imagined. I was recently invited to share this post on the Courtship vs. Dating blog as a guest blogger and thought it fitting to update it to reflect who I am now.

Miss Virginia USA 2016: The Warm Up

They say being 1st runner up is so tough. Having been in this spot twice--once six years ago at the National American Miss national pageant and now at Miss Virginia USA--I must say if this is what "tough" feels like, life should be more of it. Honestly, I feel like I won! (Minus the crown and Mercedes and all.) A week and a half has come and gone and I'm still in awe. From my hair to my wardrobe, I took big risks and made bold moves this year. I can't say I did it without fears or reservations, but the outpouring of love and support from friends and pageant fans alike has been incredible. One mother reached out to say her daughter had found beauty in her own complexion and hair texture because of me. You know I lost it right then and there. Looking back, I'm certain that this year wasn't even about me, but about bringing diverse beauty to a culture that has defined beauty so narrowly for years and years.

I was the last contestant called into the Top 5--I guess you could say I was pretty excited.

So let me take a moment to note that the reason I am so humbled by this experience is...

Life After

I wanted so badly to become Miss America. I spent five years competing at the local and state level because I have always felt my life is about making a difference in the lives of others. I wanted the Miss America platform to help me do it nationwide. Without a doubt, I know I would have made a great Miss America, but I didn't win a state title. Now, after "aging out," I never will. One of my deepest but unuttered fears was that this day would come and I would have to say that to myself. Here it is. And I'm ok. I am still alive and able to do great work in this world. I never needed a crown for that and I still don't.

So let me say this: it takes guts to compete for Miss Virginia and Miss New York. The process of self-awareness, growth and vulnerability that you endure as a contestant is quite unlike anything else I have ever experienced. And I loved every minute of it. It takes heart to walk into a room full of strangers waiting to fire a series of questions your way and be unequivocally you. You dodge controversial and loaded questions, sometimes with ease and grace, but sometimes you get stumped. Sometimes, you don't know the answer or can't think quickly enough on your feet. Sometimes your wit or humor doesn't come across as you planned. Sometimes even the very words that seemed to make sense in your brain roll off your tongue and even you don't know what they mean. But you remember that you are human and that's what happens to humans: we make mistakes.

But dreaming of becoming and competing for Miss America was not one. I wouldn't trade my experiences, self-growth or the lifelong friendships I made for anything in this world. I am who I am today because of the Miss America Organization, whether directly or indirectly. Only one young woman can win on a given night and whether my record in pageantry indicates it or not, I "won" more often than not. I am and will always be a winner.

My contentment has prepared me for what I call Life After. Until now, there has always been the possibility that someday I could be Miss America. There was also the possibility that someday I wouldn't. So I promised myself long ago that I would never put my life on hold or pass up incredible opportunities to win. Sure, I made sacrifices. I sacrificed my time more than anything and that's something I will never get back--the brunches, family get-togethers, Girls Nights and other events I missed. Looking back, it was worth it. And Lord willing, there will be more. My whole life is before me. I now never have to wonder What if? and that gives me more peace than you may imagine.

This fall, I will complete my master's degree at New York University. At this very moment I am taking a break from applying to full-time jobs to write this blog post. This summer has and I believe will continue to be my best yet. I have the best friends and family I could ever ask for. I have good health, a sound mind and an able body. In short, I am blessed. So here's to Life After. It's what dreams are made of.

Peace

Becoming a Proverbs 31 Woman

Not long ago, a good friend of mine sent me a video and it really spoke to me as an unabashedly ambitious young woman who is grounded. And single. It begins, "So it seemed that it was cool for everyone to be in a relationship but me. So I took matters into my own hands and ended up with him." Umm DING DING DING! Story of MY life, as well as the lives of just about every girlfriend of mine. I didn't know where this girl was going with her spoken word, but I knew I needed to heed whatever Word she was bringing forth straight from the Lord Himself, it seemed. And at the end, my soul was truly blessed.

You see, people often ask me why I'm single. How on earth should I know? is my first thought. Then I think back on my past relationships and the many guys who just weren't "ready" for me at the time. They wanted to put me on layaway, in a sense. I also think of the good guys I let slip through my fingers because...well, I don't really know why, honestly. I just know it happened somehow. Maybe it's because good girls like bad guys... In the end, I usually tell whoever is asking that I'm just too busy--which certainly isn't a lie if you know me--but we all know we women make time for men we care about no matter what. We are the greatest multi-taskers of all time, and that's why it frustrates us when people (men) say they don't have time for us.

But I think it's all about who we attract and how much "time of day," as my parents say, we give them. In the video, the artist says, "I called 911 but I was cardiac arrested for aiding and abetting because it was me who let him in." She's so right! When we try to take a man and make him The One, we're the ones responsible, in the end. If we aren't open and honest about our wants, needs and boundaries up front, we have no one to blame but ourselves. But this doesn't have to be.

Many women I know say they already are or are striving to become Proverbs 31 women, but I see few taking the actions necessary to become one. I decided to do just that and I implore all women to do the same. I ordered "She is...Devotional," a book of 22 daily devotionals to help women of all ages become Proverbs 31 women. Each day begins, "She is..." One of my favorites is: "She is COMPASSION. She keeps her arms outstretched to those who need help." If that doesn't sound like the perfect woman, I don't know what does. And the best part is that each day comes complete with a prayer.

Being a Proverbs 31 woman is like being a lady or being intelligent or having confidence: it isn't spoken, it's exuded. She is imperturbable. She is fearless. She is clothed in royalty. She is humble.

For me, becoming a Proverbs 31 woman is what dreams are made of. So to my future husband, "I will be the one drenched in Proverbs 31, waiting for you."

Check out the video below. It might change your life.

It's About How You Make them Feel

In pageantry, they say when everything goes wrong you're going to win. Yet, still I had no idea I would be crowned Miss Bronx 2013 while sharing the stage with 14 other incredibly intelligent and talented young women Sunday night. Did I mention how beautiful they were? But, boy am I honored and excited for this journey to Miss New York and maybe even Miss America!

Mere seconds before walking into my interview, I was told that my paperwork was lost. You don't say, I thought. And How can I somehow make up for this? The paperwork sets up the interview and without it...I didn't even want to think about what could ensue. So I devised a plan. I walked in that room and introduced the elephant. "I know you don't have my paperwork or headshot, so you really had no concept of who I was or what I looked like until this very moment," I began, before they could utter a word. I felt it would be best to just come out with it. Otherwise, I'd risk being asked, "So tell us a little about yourself..." Bo-ring. Overdone. Seldom wows them.

"But how I look is the least of what's important in the Miss America Organization," I continued. "In this organization we are scholars, philanthropists, advocates. So what we say and do and what we give is far more important than how we look. But even those things you may forget. You will never forget how we made you feel, though. And that's what I want to do as Miss Bronx. I want to cater to each person's crave to feel important. I want to empower young people through their communication so that they will derive their self-worth off these things and not material things, like how they look..."

And that's what I learned this weekend: that I really can get through anything. My annoyingly consistent optimism really does pay off. In life, even the best laid plans don't work out exactly as you'd like them to. Things get lost, forgotten or simply changed. There is only so much that we can control. After that, we just have to let go and trust our instincts. Or trust Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." That's what I believe.

This was the third local I competed in this season, after placing first runner up in the first and making the top ten in the second. I wanted so badly to win both of the previous times, but I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now. We all are. Things happen the way they're supposed to and the sooner we realize that, the better. This isn't to say we won't suffer disappointments, because surely we will; but the reason we fall is so we can learn to pick ourselves back up. Ok, so I'm a Batman fan. You caught me. But the philosophy is brilliant, so I adopted it. And you should, too.

In pageantry, they say the pageant is won in the interview room. Of that I am not certain because this is my fourth local in the Miss America Organization, I've only won interview once and no preliminary interview award was announced at Miss Bronx. What I am certain of is I that achieved my goal. Apart from my impromptu opening statement (which is no longer an official planned portion of the interview these days), I was able to share my story with that panel, how I came to be who I am. And whether I had won the title or not, that's how I define my success: by how much of the real me I showcase in interview. And why would I want to be anyone else?

Because being Miss Bronx...that's what dreams are made of.

(P.S. I know it's been a while since I've posted and I need to update you on what else is going on in my life, so please stay tuned.)

Chase Dreams, Not Boys

I'm trying to get my life on track. Who isn't? And since I love to read, I've recently begun keeping up with the following blogs. A friend of mine put me on to the first one on dating in the Christian world; and although she borders on vanity in some posts, I rather agree with most of what Heather Lindsey says on her blog.

A former Miss America posted a link to this blog post, The Christmas Conundrum, about the true meaning of Christmas. After reading it, I thought becoming a regular follower could only enrich my life. What I loved most from that particular post was this gift-giving policy the author and her husband put in place for their children:

Something you want
Something you need
Something to wear
Something to read

And that's it. Can I just tell you how much I love that? And she and her husband don't exchange gifts for Christmas at all. I fully support this. And someday, when I have a family of my own, I want to adopt this policy. The season just means so much more and I want it to continue to for years and years to come.

Finally, I discovered Smart, Pretty & Awkward a few months ago and I check in every so often for a little inspiration. I find it can be well-received by both men and women, but the target audience is most certainly women. Otherwise, they need a new marketing strategy that doesn't involve a girly layout, font and colors. And you can't really tell a man how to be prettier, can you? But anywho, it offers tips on how to be smarter, prettier and less awkward. Really, great stuff.

So I shared all this with you to say I love being a woman. Furthermore, I love being a lady. And I doubt anyone would disagree that we need more of them today. These women have enriched my life and the lives of several thousand women through their blogs. They've shown me that there are other women out there (besides my friends and me) who still have conventional values when it comes to living life, being a woman and serving the Lord. I hope my own blog does that for other women out there like me.

I'll get to my point now. My rage began with a photo on Instagram. It read:

"Dating in the 21st Century is by far one of the most ridiculous processes ever. People are so complicated. You must play games. You must lie. You have to act like you don't care even if you do. You must date multiple people to keep the attention of that one because it's generally just casual. You must be unavailable. If you're too available, people get turned off. You have to ignore calls even if you want to pick up. Essentially, if you're a true lover, you have to resist everything that comes natural to you and play this f*cking "game" you f*cking idiots love to play. It changes everything for to pretend like I don't care. I actually stop giving a f*ck."

Minus the expletives, yeah...pretty much. I really don't get it. Oh, but then again, I do.

I came across this article posted in the New York Times and realized why. From my understanding, the Gaggle founders condone a lifestyle of hookups and the lowering of standards simply because times have changed. They say use every man in your life to find love. Umm maybe I just read what I wanted to read, but the founders say that since times have changed, dating also should change. Ok, but men and women haven't. Not really. Find me a woman who will tell you she doesn't want a fairytale romance, that she doesn't want to be pursued as if she's the only woman in the world, that in the end, that what she really wants is a slew of meaningless relationships with men who foresee no future with her, and I'll show you a woman in denial.

And find me a man who won't go as far as a woman will let him just because he wants to be a gentleman and I'll show you my collection of chick flicks via websites that allow me to watch them free.

I think we've forgotten that we possess the lucky charm. And forgetting that is what's gotten us into the mess we're currently in. I'm not saying we women don't need to change our ways, because we do. But we absolutely do not need to lower our standards. Ever. I'm a firm believer that the right guy will rise to meet them. And if he doesn't, then obviously he wasn't/isn't Mr. Right.

If no one is behaving as a lady should, surely no one will behave as a gentleman should. Excuse me while I channel my inner Meek Mill and Wale: These men be actin' up and we women be lettin' em. Don't let em. Dare to be different and to set yourself apart from every other run-of-the mill, Instagram-model, ambitionless woman who says she's waiting on Mr. Right. She'll be waiting a long time. Shoot, I may be waiting a long time, myself, and I'm none of the above.

A couple weeks ago a friend of mine asked if I moved to New York to find love, like on Sex and the City. I said, "Of course not!" I actually couldn't believe that was a real question, but hey...you never know. On her blog, Heather Lindsey (the first blog I posted) said that Eve didn't go looking for her Adam. He woke up and found her. I have no choice but to believe that's not how it will happen. I'm not saying align yourself with the likes of any Disney princess or other damsel in distress that we loved throughout our childhood, but do something that matters with your life. Meet new people. Go out on dates and allow men to wine and dine you. Because they should. You are beautiful and you deserve nothing but the best. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

So in honor of the first birthday of an organization I joined during undergrad of the same name chase dreams, not boys. Visit the Chase Dreams, Not Boys website and get involved in any way you can.

I am chasing my dreams. How can that not be what dreams are made of?