A Single Year Part 2

If you look closely, you can see me. I'm a dancing, grinning worshipper.

I'm afraid I may have sugar-coated my single year just a tad. I was reading over the blog post and it just seemed too…pretty. Too clean. It was a transformative year, no doubt; but if you remember my initial post about it, I did kinda enter it kicking and screaming. God said, “Be single.” And I was like, “Come on, bro. Why? Ain't nobody got time for that.” But I did have time. A year, in fact.

Journey to a Husband: Honor

Photo via @drephoto3 

It's no secret that many single women desire marriage. We daydream about our future husbands and create lists about our non-negotiables. We fill our Pinterest boards with wedding decor and ring styles and gown designs. But we still may not be ready for the kind of relationship that leads to a healthy marriage. We can get ready, though. Obviously, I'm no expert--I've never been married. In fact,  I gave up dating for a year. That year is up and while I'm still not quite dating, I felt inspired to write about the wisdom about relationships and marriage I've acquired. I'll call it Journey to a Husband. This is the first installment.

A Single Year

A lot can happen in a single year. Last summer, I attended the Legacy Conference for the first time. It changed my life in more ways than one. I stepped outside my comfort zone and traveled to the conference alone, praying and believing I would make new friends. I did! I met some incredible people from across the country that I now call family.

It was at the end of Legacy that I felt called to a year of singleness. I kissed dating goodbye. (I actually read that book--it's pretty good and brings a lot into perspective.) Today marks a year since I made that decision. I'm still on a spiritual high from my second Legacy Conference and can’t help but reflect on my growth this past year.

Nubian Skin Matters

(Photo courtesy of Nubian Skin)

As a pageant contestant for more than ten years, I am no stranger to the term "nude." The only issue is: nude has never really known my name. From underwear to shoes to mesh on a gown, there has never really been a nude that appeared nude on me. All I can come up with is designers often create the color with a much more fair skin tone in mind than mine, perhaps because of their largest demographic is white women. That I am not, so when I heard of brand that had designed nude underwear specifically for women of color, I was over the moon.

The Single Life: Why I'm Not Dating

Hi, my name is Delesia and I’m addicted to men. 

*Hiiiii, Dele--wait, say what, girl?*

I know, I know. I probably don’t seem like I have an addiction, because it's often so easy to cover them up. I'm able to hide it so well because it’s mostly internal and during my talks with God. But it’s real. On the inside, I’m a mess. 

The Husband List: An Update

Photo via Legacy Event Planning

I first wrote this post about a year ago. A girlfriend and I had read former Miss USA Kristen Dalton Wolfe's The Husband List: 12 Non-Negotiables and were inspired to draft lists of our own. Since that time, I have experienced more spiritual and personal growth than I could have ever imagined. I was recently invited to share this post on the Courtship vs. Dating blog as a guest blogger and thought it fitting to update it to reflect who I am now.

10 Things To Do While SAVED & SINGLE

I'm working on becoming a better me, as I'm sure we all are and should. A blog post on what the specifics of becoming a better me entail is coming soon, so be on the lookout. In the meantime, I came across another post call 10 Things to do While Saved & Single and I really enjoyed the read. Not only that, but I took a lot from it on how to improve my life as a single Christian. Some of these things I already do; others I am willing to adopt. I thought it might bless some of you so below is the text of the post that originally appeared on NORingNOSheets. Happy reading!

The Boyfriend/Husband List

Back in January, a girlfriend and I read former Miss USA Kristen Dalton Wolfe's The Husband List: 12 Non-Negotiables and were inspired to draft lists of our own. Looking back at it now, not much has changed. Before I share with you what made my list, I want to first talk about modern dating and share my own experience. A guy I had previously dated, fallen for and truly thought could have been The One despite "bad timing" told me he was in a relationship with another girl. This was after telling me for more than a year that he wasn't ready for a relationship with me due mostly to focusing on his career but also because I moved away and he wasn't into long-distance relationships. But still he called and texted me and we went on several dates over the course of almost two years. He also said he could see himself with me in the future. I believed it. So you can understand my confusion and anger upon hearing this news.

Becoming a Proverbs 31 Woman

Not long ago, a good friend of mine sent me a video and it really spoke to me as an unabashedly ambitious young woman who is grounded. And single. It begins, "So it seemed that it was cool for everyone to be in a relationship but me. So I took matters into my own hands and ended up with him." Umm DING DING DING! Story of MY life, as well as the lives of just about every girlfriend of mine. I didn't know where this girl was going with her spoken word, but I knew I needed to heed whatever Word she was bringing forth straight from the Lord Himself, it seemed. And at the end, my soul was truly blessed.

You see, people often ask me why I'm single. How on earth should I know? is my first thought. Then I think back on my past relationships and the many guys who just weren't "ready" for me at the time. They wanted to put me on layaway, in a sense. I also think of the good guys I let slip through my fingers because...well, I don't really know why, honestly. I just know it happened somehow. Maybe it's because good girls like bad guys... In the end, I usually tell whoever is asking that I'm just too busy--which certainly isn't a lie if you know me--but we all know we women make time for men we care about no matter what. We are the greatest multi-taskers of all time, and that's why it frustrates us when people (men) say they don't have time for us.

But I think it's all about who we attract and how much "time of day," as my parents say, we give them. In the video, the artist says, "I called 911 but I was cardiac arrested for aiding and abetting because it was me who let him in." She's so right! When we try to take a man and make him The One, we're the ones responsible, in the end. If we aren't open and honest about our wants, needs and boundaries up front, we have no one to blame but ourselves. But this doesn't have to be.

Many women I know say they already are or are striving to become Proverbs 31 women, but I see few taking the actions necessary to become one. I decided to do just that and I implore all women to do the same. I ordered "She is...Devotional," a book of 22 daily devotionals to help women of all ages become Proverbs 31 women. Each day begins, "She is..." One of my favorites is: "She is COMPASSION. She keeps her arms outstretched to those who need help." If that doesn't sound like the perfect woman, I don't know what does. And the best part is that each day comes complete with a prayer.

Being a Proverbs 31 woman is like being a lady or being intelligent or having confidence: it isn't spoken, it's exuded. She is imperturbable. She is fearless. She is clothed in royalty. She is humble.

For me, becoming a Proverbs 31 woman is what dreams are made of. So to my future husband, "I will be the one drenched in Proverbs 31, waiting for you."

Check out the video below. It might change your life.

Chase Dreams, Not Boys

I'm trying to get my life on track. Who isn't? And since I love to read, I've recently begun keeping up with the following blogs. A friend of mine put me on to the first one on dating in the Christian world; and although she borders on vanity in some posts, I rather agree with most of what Heather Lindsey says on her blog.

A former Miss America posted a link to this blog post, The Christmas Conundrum, about the true meaning of Christmas. After reading it, I thought becoming a regular follower could only enrich my life. What I loved most from that particular post was this gift-giving policy the author and her husband put in place for their children:

Something you want
Something you need
Something to wear
Something to read

And that's it. Can I just tell you how much I love that? And she and her husband don't exchange gifts for Christmas at all. I fully support this. And someday, when I have a family of my own, I want to adopt this policy. The season just means so much more and I want it to continue to for years and years to come.

Finally, I discovered Smart, Pretty & Awkward a few months ago and I check in every so often for a little inspiration. I find it can be well-received by both men and women, but the target audience is most certainly women. Otherwise, they need a new marketing strategy that doesn't involve a girly layout, font and colors. And you can't really tell a man how to be prettier, can you? But anywho, it offers tips on how to be smarter, prettier and less awkward. Really, great stuff.

So I shared all this with you to say I love being a woman. Furthermore, I love being a lady. And I doubt anyone would disagree that we need more of them today. These women have enriched my life and the lives of several thousand women through their blogs. They've shown me that there are other women out there (besides my friends and me) who still have conventional values when it comes to living life, being a woman and serving the Lord. I hope my own blog does that for other women out there like me.

I'll get to my point now. My rage began with a photo on Instagram. It read:

"Dating in the 21st Century is by far one of the most ridiculous processes ever. People are so complicated. You must play games. You must lie. You have to act like you don't care even if you do. You must date multiple people to keep the attention of that one because it's generally just casual. You must be unavailable. If you're too available, people get turned off. You have to ignore calls even if you want to pick up. Essentially, if you're a true lover, you have to resist everything that comes natural to you and play this f*cking "game" you f*cking idiots love to play. It changes everything for to pretend like I don't care. I actually stop giving a f*ck."

Minus the expletives, yeah...pretty much. I really don't get it. Oh, but then again, I do.

I came across this article posted in the New York Times and realized why. From my understanding, the Gaggle founders condone a lifestyle of hookups and the lowering of standards simply because times have changed. They say use every man in your life to find love. Umm maybe I just read what I wanted to read, but the founders say that since times have changed, dating also should change. Ok, but men and women haven't. Not really. Find me a woman who will tell you she doesn't want a fairytale romance, that she doesn't want to be pursued as if she's the only woman in the world, that in the end, that what she really wants is a slew of meaningless relationships with men who foresee no future with her, and I'll show you a woman in denial.

And find me a man who won't go as far as a woman will let him just because he wants to be a gentleman and I'll show you my collection of chick flicks via websites that allow me to watch them free.

I think we've forgotten that we possess the lucky charm. And forgetting that is what's gotten us into the mess we're currently in. I'm not saying we women don't need to change our ways, because we do. But we absolutely do not need to lower our standards. Ever. I'm a firm believer that the right guy will rise to meet them. And if he doesn't, then obviously he wasn't/isn't Mr. Right.

If no one is behaving as a lady should, surely no one will behave as a gentleman should. Excuse me while I channel my inner Meek Mill and Wale: These men be actin' up and we women be lettin' em. Don't let em. Dare to be different and to set yourself apart from every other run-of-the mill, Instagram-model, ambitionless woman who says she's waiting on Mr. Right. She'll be waiting a long time. Shoot, I may be waiting a long time, myself, and I'm none of the above.

A couple weeks ago a friend of mine asked if I moved to New York to find love, like on Sex and the City. I said, "Of course not!" I actually couldn't believe that was a real question, but hey...you never know. On her blog, Heather Lindsey (the first blog I posted) said that Eve didn't go looking for her Adam. He woke up and found her. I have no choice but to believe that's not how it will happen. I'm not saying align yourself with the likes of any Disney princess or other damsel in distress that we loved throughout our childhood, but do something that matters with your life. Meet new people. Go out on dates and allow men to wine and dine you. Because they should. You are beautiful and you deserve nothing but the best. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

So in honor of the first birthday of an organization I joined during undergrad of the same name chase dreams, not boys. Visit the Chase Dreams, Not Boys website and get involved in any way you can.

I am chasing my dreams. How can that not be what dreams are made of?